Guide to Comedy

You know what’s funny?

No, you don’t.

Neither do I, though. In fact, nobody knows for sure. “You know what’s funny?” is a question that has plagued mankind as long as there have been skinny geeks who have all the Mr. Show DVDs. I know a guy who got a B.A. in comedy at one of those wacky choose-your-own adventure liberal arts colleges that cost too much given the fact that their whole mission statement is basically “alright, you got us, we’re useless.” He is surprisingly funny. But even he doesn’t know what’s funny any more than anybody else does, and he fucking majored in it.

The closest comedians get to agreeing about what’s funny is the maxim “it’s whatever makes people laugh.” Which is a little like saying that great television is “whatever people watch.” On the one hand: sure, on the other: bullshit. There’s got to be more to it than that, but I’ll be damned if I (or anybody) knows what it is.

It’s easier to come up with a list of stuff that’s not funny, and try to avoid it if you’re trying to be funny. So here’s a list of things that aren’t funny:

1.

Shit.

That doesn’t work either. Pretty much everything can be funny. Funny is all about context. Let me put on my professor’s cap from the University of “We’re Useless” for a minute. Certain things aren’t funny to some people, and it’s all subjective.

Here’s a list of things I don’t think are funny:

1. Making other people feel bad on purpose.

This is tricky because I’m such a jerk and I’m good at being a jerk. I’ve had a lot of people tell me that they admire my “asshole humor.” Which I guess is another way of saying, “Man, I think you’re an asshole. But at least you’re kind of good at it, so I don’t mind as much as I would if you were just a regular asshole who wasn’t also funny.”

But I try not to make other people feel bad on purpose. I try to be more like, “Hey, I’m not so great myself, here, but look at this weird thing you did: let’s stop and laugh at that for a little while because it needs to be laughed at,” than, “You’re fat, HAW HAW HAW!” Maybe that’s a distinction that doesn’t actually exist. Maybe the “you’re fat, HAW HAW HAW” guys think they’re being subtle or, more likely, that they’re good buddies with the whole world and that buys them a chance to act however they want. I feel that way sometimes too.

Anyhow, if you’re going to be kind of jerky when you make a joke, it’s important to pick your targets wisely. Maybe somebody’s not really your friend and they’re just tolerating you and your asshole behavior because it’s easier to avoid you than to tell you off. You see what “asshole humor” can do to you? It can make you paranoid about whether or not you have any friends. That’s no fun.

2. Other people hurting themselves.

This is just me being squeamish. Like if some dude makes a serious face plant off of a trampoline in a YouTube video, or something. I don’t like that. If I was there in person and I saw it I would not laugh. I would go “ouch” in my brain and suck in wind through my teeth because I instantaneously pretended that it happened to me. I do dumb stuff all the time, and my worst fear is cracking my skull or breaking my arm in a super gross way, like with the bone out, while doing something dumb like aiming for the pool from the trampoline. Just thinking about it is making my esophagus sweat.

But there are things like this that are funny. Like when somebody doesn’t really hurt themselves too bad and they just look dumb, that’s funny. Like flailing wildly in order to avoid falling but then finally falling, like a little bit. Or anything with the balls is hilarious, except anything that would require ball-based hospitalization. Bonus points for YouTubes and America’s Funniest Home Videos where some dude gets whacked in the balls by something, overreacts for comedy purposes, and then gets whacked again right away. The double barrel balls whack is just about the funniest. Because the dude will be fine. He just had his balls whacked. Twice. It hurts but it’s not going to kill him.

3. Trying really hard to be funny.

Oh brother. Nothing in the world is worse. I should know, I’ve been trying too hard to be funny for almost my entire life. It doesn’t usually work, until you pull a self-aware switcheroo where you do all this goofy stuff and nobody laughs, and then you get flustered and do a lot more of it and really really nobody laughs, and you say “I’m sorry, I am an idiot.” People need to know that you know you’re acting like an idiot, otherwise it’s not ok to laugh at you because you’re a crazy person and it’s not fun to laugh at crazy people. It’s more sad than anything. So you have to be a human being first and funny second. Otherwise it’s unsettling.

4. Not trying hard enough to be funny.

This is bad too. Mostly it’s in the context of some kind of comedy show, though, where people are supposed to be funny. Like they’re like “Hey, here’s the first thing I thought of on the toilet this morning, I call it ‘What if aliens loved boobs,’ and I am sure you will find it hilarious.” Actually, that does sound funny. Those aliens would be like, “We come in peace from a distant planet. Take us to your leader. Oh, and also: we love boobs.” If you cannot come up with something funnier than aliens who love boobs, you’re not trying hard enough. That’s the most basic amount of funny you can be. Maybe they’re not even aliens. Maybe they’re just dudes dressed as aliens trying to trick people into showing them some boobs. That’s funny. Like if they got busted and had to keep pretending to be aliens who just happen to also love boobs instead of dudes dressed as aliens who think that will help them to see boobs, that would be funny.

Sometimes people in a comedy show don’t try hard enough to be funny. Sometimes they’re trying to do something else first, like “look awesome in front of an audience” or “work out the issues I have with my parents who didn’t give me attention” and then “funny” is just an accidental bonus on top of that every once in a while. If you’re on stage for some kind of a thing that’s supposed to be funny, you should try to be funny first and then other things later by accident. Actually, according to item three on this list, it should go: human being first, funny a close second, and then a distant, invisible third is whatever therapeutic kicks you’re getting out of performing for people due to your chronic personality disorder problems caused by your weird childhood that rendered you so warped and self-centered that you’re now crying out for attention in this public manner.

Otherwise I, the consumer, am going to be pissed about the money and time I spent to help you, the performer, work on your problems, instead of glad I came to be entertained by this great funny person. And also I don’t really care if it’s a human being up there. It’s clearly not a human being up there if they’re willing to do that to themselves. I’ll just be glad if they were funny. And then I will go on with my life not caring about that person. Which is normal.

5. “Edgy” comedy.

You know what sucks? When some dude you work with is like, “Women are only good for one thing, right?” And then he jabs your ribs like you’re supposed to agree with him. Call me a prude, but unless I know you’re joking, that’s not a funny joke. If I do know you’re joking, it is a medium funny joke. It is even funnier if I respond to this joke by saying, “I know, especially my Grandmother, right?” And you ribjab back. Because my Grandmother really is good for just about one thing. Talking about how she loves me and how she is going to die soon. Actually that is two things. Even my grandmother is good for more than one thing, and that bitch hasn’t cooked a good meal in five years.

I assume you know I’m joking, right? She is not a bitch and I love her and I don’t care if she cooks a good meal or not. I can’t run her down here. She’s going to die soon. She told me herself.

You’ve got to be careful with “edgy” humor. The reason people are offended by “edgy” humor is not because you said the words “shit” or “fuck” or “shitfucking.” It’s because by saying them you assume that the people listening to you say them would also say them, and that they would also find whatever it is you’re saying about an abortion to be funny. Abortions are not particularly funny. Neither is shitfucking. (Except it is a little).

Actually, that’s what made me say, with my professor hat from the University of “My Parents Still Think Higher Education Isn’t A Scam Because They’re From Another Time, So They Paid 80 Grand For Me To Major In Comedy,” that funny is all about context. “Abortion” is neither funny nor not funny. Comedy is putting the context together for which “abortion” will be funny. Asking for an abortion for Christmas is very not funny if you’re a pregnant junkie teenager who actually needs an abortion for Christmas because you were raped by your Dad. Asking for an abortion for Christmas is kind of funny if you’re a man, and things that are only kind of funny are actually the least funny. Asking for an abortion for Christmas is hilarious if you’re a regular married woman who’s eight and a half months pregnant and your back just really hurts.

Or maybe it’s also funny if a five year old girl asks her Dad for an abortion for Christmas because her asshole uncle told her to, and he’s silently laughing into his whiskey in the kitchen, and he’s me in however many years it takes for one of my brothers to have a five year old daughter. This is maybe the exception to item one on the above list, and there are a ton of exceptions and nothing is either inherently funny or not funny and it’s all about context. But I will say this: if one of my brothers ever has a kid, I will be in the kitchen telling her to say a few things. Consider yourselves forewarned.

I don’t know what’s funny, but I know that would be funny. To me.

Oh, and also: I love boobs.