Guide to Waking Up Next to Someone Who's Currently Pissing In Their Sleep

Look, I'm not here to judge, ok? You might need this guide. I don't care if you do or not, but you might. You won't know you need it until you really really need it, though.

First thing's first, and this is just a good life idea that has nothing to do with people peeing in the bed you fell asleep in, but you should always have an alternate emergency sleeping option. There's always the floor, which is a good place to sleep if you want to turn the whole thing into a "get this" story. But in general, there should be a couch somewhere nearby. If you want to turn this thing into a truly crazy story for later, you can go for the "booty call doorstep at somebody else's house" route, but that's just for daredevil points. Let's face it, you don't need to grab that particular brass ring. It's 4:30am and you've got somebody else's piss on your abdomen. It's at least giggleworthy. Maybe just some paper towels and a cat there making a weird face at you, and you've got an all time story for later anyway.

To start with, insensitivity is a bad reaction. You're kind of complicit in this thing. I mean, first of all, if somebody's pissing uncontrollably in their sleep while you're there, then there's like a 100% chance that you borked (or at least tried to bork) a drunkie. Odds are, and common funloving decency dictates, that you're pretty drunk yourself, and therefore you don't have to worry too hard about the whole "blackout rape" angle, unless you did actually rape somebody, in which case the polite thing to do is to quietly remove yourself from the premises and then blast your face off with a shotgun. Anyway, you were a part of the problem at least somewhere in the evening's events if you've now ended up next to somebody who is pissing in their sleep. I don't know how, but you were, simply by virtue of allowing this predicament to have ever been a possibility. So use the requisite amount of "my bad" tact when it becomes apparent that you're lying in a pee bath.

You might think it will take the quiet dignity of Gandhi not to start screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE? You're peeing on me!" And swat at the person like their torso is on fire. You'd be surprised. At first you're stone cold asleep, so there's a period of panic where you don't know what the fuck is going on.

It's like this:

1. I'm awake.
2. I'm wet.
3. Why am I wet?
4. It's warm.
5. Am I peeing?

pause

6. No, she is peeing.

Steps one through five will prepare you to deal with this situation in a civil manner. You can't get all that mad when there was a solid agonizing second and a half when you suspected yourself to be peeing. In that weird postsleep logic, it might have been you and you just woke up too late, even though everything about you is dry except one buttcheek. People are idiots when they just wake up, but they're idiots who are more in touch with the spiritual truth of the matter because they're still halfway in their subconscious, so the logic works in this case. You are complicit. That pee is at least partially your pee. Maybe not physically, but ethically.

When you arrive at thought 6, if you think it's ongoing and there's a good chance of stopping the damage, you can attempt to wake them up. Give a good nudge. This nudge should be enough for the person to wake up all at once, like, "Holy moley I am peeing right now!" If it's not, it won't be worth the effort to keep nudging. That's a lost cause, my friend.

You have to think in the long term, here. Do you want to deal with waking up a piss zombie and putting her in the shower or whatever and cleaning things up and getting new sheets, or, if it's your house and you're a true bachelor fuckhead, washing the one pair of sheets you own that she's currently pissing in? Or do you want to go sleep on the couch and let her wake up feeling all guilty about it so you can work on it together the next day while she sheepishly asks you if you had sex last night? They're both shitty options, but #2 is better by a factor of like a million.

So, here's what you do, according to whether you're home or away:

If you're home - don't panic. Just get up and move to a dry place and sleep there. Do not think about all the work you will be doing tomorrow as a result of this whole pee in your bed thing. Do not get angry. Do not be afraid. Pee is sterile. You cannot get AIDS from drunken slut piss. Walk gently in your dream state and take your pillow to the couch and pass out there. You will work on this together in the morning, which is only fair because you're complicit.

She will feel suuuuper guilty and offer to do more than her share of the work anyway. You should let her if she offers, but only after telling her not to worry about it twice. I mean, the truth of the matter is, she peed in your fucking bed. Don't take that tone about it, though. You both know what happened. She got over the top drunk and you took advantage of that and now here you are with pee in your sheets. If she just bolts right away without offering to clean anything up, then you're in trouble. Either she's mortified and one of those self-conscious types, or she's mortified and one of those "I will fully go to a police station and claim something horrible happened in order to preserve some sense of self-respect" types. So it's touchy. Be gracious. Err on the side of Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years.

The idea here is you should prove yourself worthy of sex under non so-drunk-I-piss-in-your-bed conditions. If you're not even remotely interested in ever having sex with this person again, then that means you're a rapist. So fucking find a way, dude. Give it the old razzle dazzle.

If you're away, things are a little trickier, and you go by feel.

Ask yourself three questions:

1. Where am I right now?
2. Who is this peeing person next to me?
3. How did I end up here, in this bed, with this person who is quietly pissing all over herself?

If the answer to any of these questions is "I don't know," then you stay there (maybe not there there, in the bed there, but in the apartment) and you find the fuck out in the morning. That's a rule. You're not in any shape for travelling anyway. When you wake up on that couch or floor or whatever it is, don't leave until you know the answer to all of those questions. Hopefully you can figure all this out through remembering and other clues without having a conversation of any kind with anybody. But if you have to bite the bullet and go face to face with it, then at least you can be assured that you didn't do anything too bad, because you were too drunk to and clearly (because, you know, she peed and you didn't) so was she. Once you know the answers to these questions three, you get out of there. Leave her alone with her embarrassment.

If you wake up and you feel pee and you immediately know the answers to all three of those questions, then it's your call what to do next. If you know who the person is and you're in that person's house, then you know how to get in touch with that person, so it's ok to leave. If you're super tired and pretty drunk and it would be easier and better for your life to stay on the couch until the bus starts running again, you do that.

Away is much better for a number of reasons. There's the obvious one of nobody peed in your bed, but then there's also the one of "Wait, did I basically drag a drunk person home and then bone her? What am I? This is pretty fucking egregious, even for me." Really the only way a home-invasion style bedwetting is acceptable is if it's postparty or a roommate situation. But that can happen, so it's good there's a guide for this.

Oh yeah. One more thing. The endgame. So if you've spent the night with somebody who peed the bed, whether or not you ever want to again is a fairly logical question to ask yourself. There's a sort of "fool me once, shame on you..." quality to it. Hey, that's fine. I wouldn't. Unless. Unless there's just enough of a guilt twinge about the circumstances of super drunken lowly lonely blackout rape sex to keep the candle burning for another go around. And maybe it's an aberration, you don't know. Maybe the love of your life just peed in your bed the one time right away and that's how you knew you'd be together forever, because she peed in your bed and you didn't mind and then there's Disney rainbows shooting out of your ass. But probably not. Anyway, you can end things right away after the second time she does it. That's a pretty clear signal of "if you want to deal with me, you're getting pissed on."

Oh, I should add that you should leave your contact info or at least some clue of how to get in touch with you in the person's apartment. Just in case you made her pregnant or something. It's a nice touch.