Guide to Huge Crowds of People.

Avoid them. You hear me, DC residents? Stay inside. Do not go to the inauguration. Do you know what you’ll be seeing at the inauguration? A tiny, eloquent little dot speaking about the challenges America faces today and how we can’t do it alone. If you’re lucky, you will see a projection screen. On this projection screen will be the same image you could see if you were sitting comfortably at home: Barack Obama talking about the challenges facing America and how we can’t do it alone.

If you miss out on being in the crowd, you’ll miss the elation of thousands of strangers straining to hear him speak about the challenges facing America and about how we can’t do it alone. You’ll miss tears rolling down everybody’s faces and massive throngs of people believing in hope and peace and prosperity and service and goodwill between Americans. You’ll miss a great outpouring of joy. I live in Chicago. I missed the great outpouring of joy when he made his acceptance speech. I was busy sitting comfortably at home, watching that same acceptance speech about the challenges facing America, and how we can’t do it alone. And I outpoured a small, private amount of my own joy.

The outpouring of small, private amounts of one’s own joy are just as good.

Happy inauguration, everybody. Tape a ziplock bag of whiskey to your legs.