Guide to Actually Being in a Relationship.

1. The Art of Compromise.

If you’re in a relationship with somebody, you have to make a few compromises. You also have to figure out which ones to make and which ones not to make. While you’re making them. And there’s no set of rules anywhere, and it’s confusing, and if you talk to other people about it they’ll get really bored and pretend to listen to you until it’s their turn to tell you all about their problems.

The trick with relationships is to make sure things in the early going are not going to ruin things later. Like if you’re dating somebody for a month and it’s going well and they ask you for a key to your apartment because your buzzer’s broken and you don’t always get cell reception at your house unless you lean halfway out of the bay window, and your first thought is, “Wait, a key to my place, so you can just stop by without checking first? Isn’t that a pretty big step? I can’t even remember your brother’s name yet. Slow down there, Seabiscuit.” Then don’t give her that key. You’re just going to have to take it back in another couple of months after you look down at your lavender v-neck sweater she bought you “for no reason” and realize that you haven’t put your foot down once in the last three months and you basically only have half of one ball left.

The whole “men are afraid of commitment” thing is pretty overblown, but there are some merits to it. Like if that’s what women think, then great, we can just say, “I’m afraid of commitment,” and they sort of understand that they need to back off a little. But men aren’t afraid of commitment. We’re just afraid of women changing us faster than we want to change ourselves. And we’re afraid of doing it all for the wrong woman. Plus we probably also want to have sex with some other people before we die. We don’t know yet. Other than that, though, we have no problem with commitment. Bring it on.

Anyway, you need to be careful in those first few months, because that’s when you’re all lovey dovey and stupid and going on picnics and romantic stuff like that, and you’ll be tempted to make a few overreaching compromises in the interest of keeping the puppy love afloat. Then later when that wears off, you’ll be like, “Wait, we live together? HOLY SHIT.”

So avoid that. Take things slow. Be realistic and honest with each other. You don’t have to share every little doubt you have about things with her, but you should at least be able to say things like “I just want to take things slow and really be realistic and honest with each other so this doesn’t snowball into something bigger than we both want.”

Something like that. I don’t know. Who knows how women think. But you say things like that, and at least there’s some sort of reasonable expectation that maybe you don’t want to spend an entire day playing Chinese checkers with her Grandma. At least not until after she’s seen you puke and dealt with it. That’s a reasonable compromise. Like maybe Chinese checkers with Grandma is a nice thirtieth date, rather than a perfect twelfth date.

If you’re with somebody you actually want to be with, you are eventually going to spend an entire day playing Chinese checkers with her Grandma. It’s a good test. If you can’t see yourself playing Chinese checkers with your girlfriend and her Grandma, then it’s time to end things. That’s the type of thing that only real couples do. But you can’t just rush into it all willy nilly, or else it’s going to be super weird. You have to earn Chinese checkers. You have to grow into it naturally to get to the point where it’s time to spend the day playing Chinese checkers with Grandma, and when you leave the house you’re actually kind of excited about it. You can’t just do all the little things like that that are symptoms of a good relationship and then assume you have a good relationship. You have to have a solid relationship first. Then the symptoms will just be there. Otherwise it’s candy for dinner.

These are the kinds of things you can say out loud in a relationship if you’re feeling railroaded into playing Chinese checkers too soon. You will sound like a fucking idiot when you say them, because dudes always sound like fucking idiots when they talk about their relationships, and women are smarter at this sort of thing, so they’ll talk you into a weird talking trap, or else they’ll be like “oh,” and then not say anything and you’ll feel the need to explain it again, so that this time they “really understand what I’m talking about,” which will make you sound even more stupid. But still it’s worth it to try.

I know you’d prefer to just play X-box until it’s time for dinner, but if you bust out a little relationshipspeak every once in a while, and it’s a straight shooter kind of talk, then she’ll be encouraged to do the same. That way you’ll work through the little problems more easily before they become big problems that nobody’s talked about for months and when somebody finally mentions something it’s like a dam bursting. A giant unfair dam full of shit where all of a sudden you’re accused of being a pervert because she caught you glancing at her sister’s rack once when she was leaning over, and now you’re basically a rapist (and God knows if they planned that whole cleavage-peek stunt as some sort of secret sister test—wouldn’t put it past them, that sweater was pretty egregious), and now you’re on the defensive instead of trying to assert your perfectly reasonable desire not to go to this one year old’s birthday party on your day off. Talking about the state of your relationship is a preferable alternative to this, although you can never completely avoid these kinds of things.

The stuff you shouldn’t say in these relationship talks is the secret stuff that couldn’t possibly be anything but insulting. Stuff like, “I’m just not sure yours is the last vagina I ever want to engage in some kind of touching scenario.” Of course you’re not sure. Just keep that to yourself. Women are not going to get behind the “hesitancy to get involved in mutually exclusive genital touching” sentiment anyway. It’s not like they’re downloading dicktouching movies off of the internet. Think of how rarely they touch your penis, which as far as you’re concerned is basically never if they can help it.

They are thinking other girl doubts, though, like, “I hope he figures out how to work my body soon because I can’t fake orgasms for the rest of my life.” And you don’t know they’re doing that, but you’re pretty glad they’re keeping those things quiet. Women have an elusive grace about keeping important things quiet. That’s part of why they talk about stuff like sweater colors all the time. It’s like therapy for never expressing themselves. If they said what they really felt all the time, you’d be scared to leave your house, much less talk to one of them. They know this. Pretty much every waking hour of a woman’s life is a giant compromise. That’s what I think, anyway. That’s why they get so mad at you for not feeling like doing something. Because they always do stuff for you that they don’t feel like doing, and they never make a big fuss about it like you do, and it’s your fault for not knowing that even though there’s no way for you to know that without them telling you except for some very nonspecific body language that could just as easily mean “I’m constipated” as “I don’t want to watch ‘Strange Brew’ because I’m a female and it’s not funny to me.” Anyway, your girlfriend has her doubts about you and the relationship, and as much as it would make your life easier if she’d just tell you she doesn’t want to watch “Strange Brew,” you don’t want to know everything she’s thinking all the time.

A good rule for relationship doubts is don’t say anything during a relationship talk unless you could imagine the other person saying, “That’s a valid point,” at the end of it. This means you think about it for an average of 10 days before you even mention anything, just to make sure it’s going to come out right. Edit it down to a concise Powerpoint presentation in your mind. And then release it calmly during a non-fight time, perhaps over dinner that you’re paying for at a moderately priced restaurant you both enjoy. My girlfriend and I have a “relationship talk” restaurant. It’s a reasonable neutral-field place. Even though it’s got a vegetarian menu that I don’t like all that much, I don’t make a fuss over it.

If during these talks you feel like you’re making a valid point and it’s getting ignored or swept under the rug, and that keeps happening, then it’s time to have a more serious relationship talk about unfun things you hear about on Dr. Phil. Things like “boundaries” and “listening.” There’s a chance that this serious relationship talk will take a turn for the worse and turn into a breakup without your even planning it, but that’s ok. Long term, that’s ok. You should break up anyway if there isn’t enough “listening” or “boundaries.”

A secret girl trick they often use is whenever you talk about stuff like not being ready for Chinese checkers, they do this thing where they’re like, “Whatever, you’re overreacting, it’s no big deal if you don’t want to play Chinese checkers with my Grandma, don’t be ridiculous.” And you’re like, “Ok, sorry, I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. I’m gonna go watch football at Pete’s house.” But then later they continue on doing things the same way they’d been doing them before, which still sucks. In the short term, it feels like you “won the argument,” but it’s a pyrrhic victory because there’s no behavioral change afterwards, it was just a stupid fight about the Chinese checkers and nothing else. You were trying to really work on the relationship, and they ended things by making you feel like the immature one. So you think, “Yeah, I’m the immature one. Next time I’m not even going to fight against whatever it is.” And things keep going that way even though you’re not happy with them. That trick is bad news.

The reason why it’s bad news is, of course, because they’re right. They fucking own you right now. And maybe you don’t want to be owned yet. Eventually you will, but not yet. If that Jedi mind trick thing keeps happening, though, and you keep being like “waitaminute!” about it, then you’ve got to have a serious talk. Because that’s not a relationship. That’s two people kickboxing. With their miiiiinnnds. If that keeps happening and you’re like, “Well, I guess I don’t mind it.” Then you’ve hit the jackpot. Not minding it is the secret to happiness in a relationship.

If you’re stuck trying to figure out what to fight for and what not to, there are some universal compromises that you absolutely should make.

Here are a few of them:

- Taking her out for a nice meal where you get dressed up nice and pay for everything and then when you get home your apartment is cleaner than usual and you have sex, including foreplay, more gently than usual without going to sleep immediately after you’re done even though you’ve had two bottles of wine and some really heavy French food. Maybe there is also some kind of massage or “sensual oil” involved. How you do it is not as important as showing an effort. You have to do this every once in a while or else there’ll be some little sensitive dude lothario on a future girls night out who’ll get her thinking about how much better she could have it. Instead, you want your girlfriend to laugh in his little sensitive dude lothario face.

- Flowers every once in a while. This one is tricky because you have to keep it up or else she’ll think, “He just fucked somebody else.” Send them when she’s sick or after a fight. Maybe you can pull off a “just because,” thing, but only do it if it’s a really pretty spring day and you actually thought it’d be fun to. Any girl who tells you she doesn’t like flowers is a big time liar who wants flowers. Come on. They’re flowers.

- Canceling plans to hang out with her while she’s sick. You don’t have to always do this, because if your girlfriend is cool she’ll feel guilty, and you won’t always want her around in the vice versa situation, but you do have to do it more often than you don’t. At least offer. And then if she’s like, “No, no, I don’t want to ruin your evening, I’m just going to watch a movie and get some sleep,” you can do a thing where you show up and surprise her with some chicken broth and you’ll be a hero forever. Or maybe you’ll finally catch her fucking that little sensitive dude lothario she met while you were doing the pop culture bar trivia tournament.

- Rides to the airport and airport pickups.

- Emergency showup responsibility. This can be anything, like a “I cut myself trying to make a bagelwich, I need you to take me to the hospital” thing. Even an “I’m drunk with the girls and we were talking about you and I want yoooou to come heeeeere so I can kiss your faaaaaice” thing where you’re like, “Oh great, I’m in for a fifteen dollar cab ride and a toothy drunken blowjob, and for once I’m in my pajamas and comfortable at home.” You still have to go, though, because that’s emergency showup responsibility. Basically, you have to be dependable, and you have to return phone calls. Otherwise, what’s the point for her? This is the thing that buys you blowjobs. Like good, sober ones in the future. They only happen after you prove yourself a few times.

- Doing a girl thing every once in a while. Like watching “Say Anything” instead of “Evil Dead,” or going to a place where things are pretty, like, I don’t know, a pony show or a doll convention or something. You’ll know it, because she’ll mention it and you’ll think, “A figure skating showcase? Am I gay and somebody didn’t tell me?” But then you’ll go and you’ll be at least moderately pleasant about it, with only a few jokes so she at least sees the ridiculous side of it. If you’re a real sour pill about this type of thing, you’re going to be in the collective doghouse of the official girl tribune of public opinion. And that’s no good. You have to stay on her friends’ good side too, because if you ever win an argument or get some leniency for a fuckup, it’s going to be because your girlfriend’s friends convinced her she’s being too hard on you. They will do this by saying, “He went to that figure skating showcase and that pony show and that doll convention with you, give the guy a break. My boyfriend won’t even eat me out.”

2. Doldrums.

Let’s face it. Life has its ups and downs. So does a relationship. You’re eventually going to get pretty bored with it.

Sometime after you’ve been together for over a year, there will be a fifth consecutive night of deciding what to eat for dinner. It will be a tiresome conversation with opening bids and predictable counteroffers, and at the end you’ll settle on the same thing you always get and then you’ll watch Law and Order together without speaking once, and either you or she will suggest having sex that night, and the other person will just say, “No thanks,” and really mean it, and you’ll both get ready for bed in the same way you always do, and you’ll look over at this person you’ve been spending all your time with and think, “Man, am I tired of those fucking cloud pajama bottoms.”

Then you’ll look down at your own self, bulging a little around the middle from beer and Rueben sandwiches, and you’ll think, “What the hell is happening to me, here? I used to be a lean machine. I used to run around shouting prophetically from the rooftops, drinking until dawn, and discussing really important stuff with really interesting people in really great weird places I didn’t know existed until I found myself suddenly there. I used to have a fun life. Now I’m a big fat nobody. I’m a turd wrapped in a blanket of worldly comforts, tucked away in a dusty corner somewhere so I can quietly die. And I’m 26 years old and I’m thinking this way. Fuck. I’ve gotta get out of here. It’s all her fault.”

And you’ll want to say all this, but your girlfriend will have a big day tomorrow and she’ll ask you to leave the room if you’re going to keep her up. And she’ll have a point. Why should you bother her with all this dumb woe-is-me crap?

Well, the good news is you can’t think that way unless you’re with somebody you actually want to be with for the foreseeable future. You might panic and think you’re hearing your mind’s last whimpering death rattle of independence and assume the only cure is to fool around on your girlfriend. Sure, you could indulge that and go off and flirt with a bunch of barflies, but what’s the point? You’ve come this far. It’s not like those bar-rats are going to have any more exciting pajama bottoms. Not after eight months they’re not.

The real problem here is you’re letting yourself settle into a routine. Your girlfriend is probably thinking a bunch of the same stuff. There’s a chance she’s also thinking “I’m so glad I’ve got this dude around to watch Law and Order with, even if we don’t say a word to each other the whole time.” And she’s got a point there. That’s a pretty great situation. Anyway, how do you bust out of the doldrums?

Well, you do something outside of the relationship that’s a surprise. Not fucking somebody else. More like learning how to operate a sailboat. Or working on a creative project of some kind, or taking kung fu lessons. Something like that where you’re doing something for yourself just because you want to and it has nothing to do with her.

People are lonely. That’s just a fact of life. So much so that when you find somebody to spend your time with, you get to this place where you think, “Well, I’m done. I’m not lonely anymore.” And you do that slap your hands together thing and settle in for a well earned fifth consecutive night of chicken hot pepper noodle from Penny’s and that one SVU episode with the crazy alcoholic woman.

But finding somebody else is not all the work you’ve got to do. Not by a long shot. So you’ve got to get out there and do something with yourself. And maybe buy your girlfriend a new pair of pajama bottoms while you’re at it. It’s a good gift. Girlfriends always like them. Plus, that way you’ll have something less annoying than the cloud pants to look at.

The good news about the doldrums is they teach you that being with somebody isn’t the end of anything. You can still shout prophetically from rooftops in weird places. You just have this girlfriend to do it with now. And if she’s got a big day tomorrow, you can still go out there and get it done on your own. You just have to say no to anything that involves one of your erogenous zones touching one of another person’s erogenous zones. If you can’t, then it’s time to have a talk instead of stewing in the next room.

3. Rules.

There are some good timeline rules that are hard and fast and don’t ever need to be broken.

1 month TOPS (like tops tops TOPS): Sex happens. Like intercourse sex, which is the kind that really counts in terms of relationships. Like “everything is different after you have sex” sex. Which I know is dumb, but girls think that way because they always have to worry about being raped and you don’t.

3-6 months: Serious talk about sex and birth control, including STD testing. You will both want this because condoms are fucking terrible.

After the sex talk: Meet the parents. You shouldn’t have to meet the parents until after the sex talk where you’re done with condoms, but sometimes they’re just going to be there. If you’re dating a person who’s got her parents around all the time, push the sex talk up sooner. The first parents meeting should be awkward because of sex stuff, because that’s funny.

Not before 6 months ever: Key exchange. Some minor one or two day stuff is ok, but keep it in check.

Never before a year: Living together. It doesn’t matter how much you like each other or how much time you spend together already or how shitty one of your leases is, you should wait for a while until you live together, because that’s a big fucking tamale if you end up splitting.

Not until you’ve lived together at least a year: Getting married. You don’t even really have to get married ever anymore. But it’s a nice gesture. Think of it as a “nice gesture.” It’s also a thing you have to do if there’s a baby situation.

4. Advanced stuff.

Everybody knows somebody whose parents have this ridiculous story about how they saw each other everyday from across a train platform, and then one day their Dad had to go the other way to bail his kid brother out of jail, and he accidentally brushed against Mom’s backside, and she was mad at him but they hit it off and they got married three weeks later. Even that asshole friend of yours whose parents met like that and are still together (that friend of yours is fucked for life, by the way) would tell you that for the first year of their marriage they wanted to kill each other. To the point where they actually almost ended up killing each other a couple of times. With a knife.

That first year of marriage is supposed to be tough. It’s supposed to be like the first year after you graduate or the first year after your Dad dies or the first year you have no legs. Except, you know, probably less hard than that. I wouldn’t know, but if that’s true, then I’m willing to wait on it until after I graduate and my Dad dies and I’ve lost my legs.

Once you get to the point where you think of your relationship as a separate entity, like there’s you, there’s your girlfriend, and there’s your relationship, and they’re each as weird and complicated and as important as a person can be to another person, that’s when you’re ready to think about getting married. That’s what people who’ve been married a long time talk about. They talk that way about things. It’s like their life is an episode of Dr. Phil, but nobody can ever change the channel.

That’s why you hardly ever see your married friends anymore. It’s like changing the channel when Dr. Phil is on.

Anyway, if you can’t pull off that much caring about shit, and you can’t handle a lifetime of letting things go even when you know for a fact that you’re right this time and your life would probably be considerably easier for the next two days if she’d just listen to you about this one fucking thing, then you shouldn’t be getting married yet. Maybe not to this person, if that’s all they want from you. Maybe not ever. Or maybe you should just get over yourself and fucking go for it for once in your life. If you turn out to be totally wrong about your own ability to deal with shit, it’s not like ugly heart-rending divorces are totally unheard of.

I say once you get to 5 years and 30+ years old you’re going to have to shit or get off the pot. It’s fine if you want to wait until the last possible second, too. Like if it’s really 6 years because the last one was a yearlong engagement. That’s fine. You might have spent an extra year on the pot, but at least you were really busy shitting.

There’s a pretty good chance that if you‘ve gotten to 5 years, you’ve been through some sort of highly painful little event that sometimes ends relationships. Good. It’s not like those are going away forever. You should probably have one serious gutcheck moment under your belt before you tie the knot. I’m not saying you have to go out and cheat and then talk to your girlfriend about it. It’s good enough to go out and really really consider cheating, like consider it a whole lot, and then come home and be like “I really really considered cheating on you tonight a whole lot,” and have a kind of hurtful adult talk about what it means to the two of you to be together.

You’ve got to get through a situation like that, I think. It’s the sort of thing you can only do if you don’t give a shit enough to say it, but you also still give a shit enough to say it. I think that’s the territory where you’re supposed to live if you’re gonna pull off the whole forever thing. Not everyday, but you’ve got to have been there a few times.

Yuck. This is not douchebag stuff, though. I mean it’s douchebaggy, but it’s not the sort of thing a true douchebag would pull. Lowercase d douchebags stay a million miles from this sort of thing. Bigtime hurt talks are for capitol D Douchebags.

But it’s good to know what you’re headed for if ever “work” seems like a good idea. You know, just by accident.