Guide to Post-Breakup Communication.

Don't until later.

If you're thinking "it'll be fine, I just want to talk to them and see what they're up to," then that's your brain's way of saying "you still have feelings for them and you can't let go and this conversation is going to be a total drag for one or more people no matter what."

If you're thinking "I wish they would stop calling me, but we've been through so much together I shouldn't just ignore them," then that's your brain's way of saying "you shouldn't have broken up with this person if you were going to get all chickenshit about the possibility that they might not like you so much after the break up. That's what break ups are. Don't be a puss."

Follow through is important for both parties, otherwise it's not really a break up. Then it's some other sad category of thing that sucks for everybody involved.

Run-ins.

Unplanned run-ins should be the only acceptable form of post-breakup communication until at least a year after the break up. (After a year you can start texting them about your yard sale and stuff like that). A year is enough time for almost anybody to be able to think at least somewhat rationally about who they were and what's changed since a year ago. This year becomes "forever" in cases of extreme cheater-style breakups. (Like real-deal-Jerry-Springer-caught-in-the-act-with-your-Dad rather than "I think we should see other people" or "I met somebody I have feelings for that I haven't acted on yet but I want to"--those are pretty much industry standard).

There are two types of run-ins. Run-ins that lead to sex and run-ins that don't.

Run-ins that lead to sex:

These are ok in general because at least you're getting sex out of the deal. I mean, all that old baggage comes roaring back and then you end up with one of the worst "should I even call, and if so, when?" dilemmas of all time, but at least you got sex out of the deal.

I say the rule book is completely thrown out on this one.

Generally if you have sex again after a breakup it means that you still want to at least have sex with the person, and you're probably headed for a one to two month sex-only backslide. Which can be fun. And then when it starts becoming apparent that all the old problems are still there you can rebreak up and begin the whole process anew, but with less pain than the first break up because it'll just be breaking up from a sex-only backslide instead of full on wuv. If you just ended up having sex with the person because you were incredibly drunk and you know it's a mistake like right away, then you don't have to call them after, although by now you should have the balls to tell them that to their face. You already broke up, remember?

Run-ins that don't lead to sex:

There's nothing worse than forced ignoring of somebody who's in the room. It's childish. Even worse is the crazed storm-out. Act like a grown up and nod or wave, then if you're really having a hard time controlling your feelings about being in the same place, quietly gather your belongings and leave in a "I was leaving anyway" manner after like fifteen minutes, with another wave and one of those lip smiles that aren't really smiles. This works for either a not very crowded or a medium crowded setting. If it's like a big party or a crowded bar, then either pull the "hey, it's a public place, I've got as much right to be here as him!" thing or pull a quiet runner.

The thing you don't want to do is get all belligerent and walk up to the person while they're hanging out with their Dad and say something stupid. (This has happened to me.)

In the case of an extreme cheater-style breakup, all bets are off in terms of storm-outs and crazy behavior, and you can totally get a posse together to kick their ass and stuff. That actually makes the night more fun for everybody.

Remember: after a breakup you're going to need your friends a lot. You can take a certain amount of comfort from having a shoulder to cry on, and you can get ridiculously drunk and rant and rave a couple of times, but you should always try to have a sense of humor about it and not be a total bummer. If you really feel like you're going to break down, do it on your own until you don't feel so bad about it, even if it means taking a cab home with runny mascara at like 11:00. You will need your friends a lot, and it's hard to be a really good friend to somebody who's a total mess all the time. It gets pretty old after a while. Pick your battles. Remember, you need them for fun. That's why they're called "friends" and not "therapists."

New boy/girlfriends.

If in the course of a run-in (and remember that the best course of action is a wave or a nod, and approaching to exchange pleasantries is bad form unless it'd be more awkward not to) you're confronted with a new boyfriend or girlfriend, then you should act as gracious as possible, even if it means your heart is having a seizure and your neck is growing a rage-filled boil. And then you can leave quickly. Politely decline all invitations to "sit" and "join-in." Those are just bad form anyway.

Then this is a "get out of jail free" card that you can use to get totally wasted and/or have a breakdown with your friends where you start out the night ranting and raving about how stupid your ex is and how ugly/fat/stupid their new attachment is, and you end the night throwing old fruit off the freeway overpass and almost getting arrested. Remember: if at all possible, channel your rage into a constructively memorable party night with your buds. But if it's a full scale breakdown with crying in the alley, that's ok too. New girl/boyfriends are spooky like that.