Guide to Sexual Demands.

Guys can get pretty greedy. Greedy is maybe not the word. Greed itself is a symptom of some other guy thing that guys can get a lot of. Juvenile, maybe. Petulant. Something like that. Guys can get pretty self-indulgent. I guess girls can, too, in their different way.

One of the ways guys can get most… like that… is with sex. I hate it when people reduce some kind of a point they’re making about gender differences to some cock-eyed basis in evolution, but: there’s a basis for this in evolution.

It’s caveman times. Cavedudes want sex. Cavegirls want to prevent sex from happening unless it’s from a caveguy who is likely to help with the resultant cavekids. The cavewomen sit around and say “I want a sensitive caveman who will help with the cavekids and not just bother me for sex all the time, and also he is not afraid to cry or watch ‘The Notebook’ with me.” And sometimes they get one. And sometimes a stronger, less sensitive caveman comes along and hits the sensitive caveman on the head with a rock. Sometimes that gets the cavewoman all turned on because by now she’s bored of hearing about the sensitive caveman’s neurotic struggles with his own expectations all the time. So she has sex with the stronger, meaner caveman.

After the pregnant cavegirl has a cavebaby, the strong mean caveman gets mad because the cavegirl doesn’t want to have sex with him anymore because she’s got this new cavebaby to take care of. But there's really nothing he can do about it except for rape and that's not because A. it's not as much fun as notrape sex, and B. the cavewoman might get mad and hit him in the head with a rock in his sleep. So he either turns into a sensitive cavedude and stays or he leaves and hits some other sensitive cavedude on the head with a rock. If he leaves, the cavegirl is more or less fine with that because they’re better off not having kids with a dude who’s gonna be a leaver anyway, but not having a cavedude around makes life harder because cavedudes are pretty good at killing mastodons and fixing the hot water heater. So in order to calm down their strong, mean cavedudes and make them stick around and kill mastodons and fix the hot water heater, the caveladies capitulate and invent blowjobs. And that takes us to present day.

The idea that people invented blowjobs in the 50’s is astounding to me. No way. Cavemen and cavewomen invented blowjobs as a last-ditch form of mediation to prevent cavedudes from leaving cavegirls and cavebabies right before winter hit. Dudes have been annoyingly pressing their sexual agenda ever since. I don’t know this, I’m just guessing like anybody else. But: historically, and as a result of millions of years of evolution, dudes are whiney little bitches when it comes to sex. Based on no facts. Based on me just saying it.

Of course you don’t have to be a whiney little bitch when it comes to your sexual needs. You can just repress them one hundred percent forever since childhood until your sexual needs turn into some kind of a weird diaper-wearing thing. Or you can be a rapist. Let me be clear: I don’t advocate either one of these scenarios. I actually advocate being a whiney little bitch about your sexual needs. It’s better than the alternatives.

Once you realize you've got no choice but to be a whiney little bitch about things (i.e. talking them out instead of just running around with a boner and some "really great" sex ideas), you've got to learn how to express and address your sexual needs honestly without being passive aggressive. Like you’ll say, “Hey, cavelady, I think you’re great and all, but I will tell you right now that I’m going to need at least monthly bj’s and some minimal degree of playfulness or else this is eventually not going to work. In exchange I will gladly do whatever it is you want me to do, including just leaving you alone whenever you want.” If you just say the first part, you’re being a dickhead. If you just say the second part, it’s implied that you’re some closeted diaper-wearer who just wants to be dominated, which is fine, but you should probably mention that too, like "I will gladly do whatever it is you want me to do, including just leaving you alone whenever you want, because that's what I get off on. Also: please please please ask me to hold your purse in public.”

You've got to say what you need (sexual and otherwise) and assure that you're going to make sure to meet her needs (sexual and otherwise), and you've got to really mean both of those things. And then you follow through. That's how you earn whatever it is you’re demanding. In general terms. It's a pain in the ass but it's better than sitting around with a huge boner hoping she'll read your mind about what incredibly specific thing (hints: peanut butter, spatula, ceiling fan) you want done to it, and then getting all pissy when it doesn't happen exactly right.

But that's the tricky part. Sometimes you don't know you want something until it pops in there. Like, “Tonight is the night I really really want to fuck over by the kitchen sink for some reason, and I’ve just been thinking about it a ton, and that’s what I want to do tonight. A lot. I am just feeling super kitchen sinky right now. Maybe this idea also involves an apron. I’m not sure yet. I just want to try something with the kitchen sink. Right now. Tonight.”

That’s bullshit, of course. There’s no way in hell you’re going to get kitchen sink sex the second the thought pops into your head. Unless you have talked and talked and talked about how important it is to you to be in an "extremely accepting of my immediate sexual urges without exception or any need for discussion" relationship, which I'm not sure exists. What are you, a baby? It can wait.

Just try and spring that kitchen sink scenario on somebody unannounced and see what happens. Nothing good. No, what you get is a, “What? Leave me alone, dude. I have my own sexual fantasy and it’s you listening to my description of what happened to me today at work and then inferring from that information that I’m not in the mood for impromptu fucking on or near the kitchen sick. And I’m damn sure not wearing an apron.”

So you kind of have to leave those urges on the caveroom floor sometimes. Which sucks, because it’s disappointing when you feel like you’ve done a really good job with killing mastodons and fixing the hot water heater recently, and really you just want this one thing and it doesn’t seem like too much to ask, especially considering it’s supposed to be fun. But: she's pretty much constantly denying her urges to slap your entire face off over the dumb things you say and your constant unrepentant farting, so it balances out.

That nagging disappointment is shitty, but it's the result of your failure to mention that this is the type of thing you need. Not in a “we’ve got to have sex on or near the kitchen sink once a week or else I’m out of here” kind of a way, unless you’re so super into kitchen sink sex that you really feel that way, but you have to be like, “I need spontaneity and maybe a little bit of weirdness, for example: sex on or near the kitchen sink, perhaps with an apron being involved, sex in the vestibule while we’re still wearing our coats, that type of thing, etc.”

A good time to mention these things is right after you’ve just had sex, and then that way you won’t be too forceful about how much you’d like it because your penis is incapable of bossing you around for those 20 minutes, and she’ll be receptive to the idea because women usually get really horny after sex because they are relentless and because that’s when they think the real intimacy happens (we think intimacy happens in the “I will agree to wear this stupid fucking apron and have uncomfortable sex on or near the kitchen sink” portion of the evening).

But even if you’re a super adulty communicator about it and you set up all kinds of parameters of trust and you talk the thing half to death before you even get a chance to try it, there’s no guarantee that she’ll go for it. There could be a lengthy debate about how that’s degrading and misogynistic. That debate is good. That’s a lot better than “No way, end of discussion.” Have the debate. Talk about why that idea turns you on. Cite Wikipedia or something. Most of all, assure the person that you really care about them and you wouldn’t mention this fantasy to them in the first place if you didn’t trust them completely. That’s a good one to use, the trust card. It’s good to use because it’s true.

If it’s not true and you don’t really give a shit about this person, and you just want to fuck them over a sink because you actually are a misogynist who wants to degrade random women, you should probably check yourself into some therapy and deal with that. And also you should cut this one loose and go find a woman who wants to be actually degraded instead of fake pretend fantasy degraded. They exist, and they're super weird (but also kind of great for a while until you realize that's not actually what you want).

In either case, you should definitely go back to the drawing board and think about why you like this fantasy so much. Just in general. Even if she’s totally into it. It’s good to know why you’re into this specific thing.

If she’s not feelin’ it after a long adulty discussion over it, then you have to decide if that’s a big deal or not. It probably is. I’m just saying, once you drop one of these things, it’s not going to stop. You will have to drop others. If that’s ok with you, by all means continue on the course you’re on, which is begging and pleading for a blowjob and kissing ass and crossing your fingers that she’ll get your subliminal mental signals. Don’t get me wrong, a little of that is fine, even necessary, but keep in mind there’s no guarantee that there won’t be a stronger, meaner caveman out there with a rock who will totally undo all the work you did. So it’s best to bend without breaking. Or at least, in any case, it’s best to be honest about them if you have certain blowjob/kitchensex requirements.

You might get on your own back a little bit like, “What have I done to deserve these blowjobs and kitchen fuckings? It’s not like I’m rich or famous or something.” But if you genuinely need a certain amount of blowjobs and kitchenfucks to be happy, then you deserve them because everybody deserves to be happy. That’s really the whole thing behind being a douchebag. Everybody deserves to be happy. Helping other people and being honest with other people makes you happy, and so does helping yourself and being honest with yourself. Kum Bah Yah, M’Lord. Amen.

Now could you please just put on the stupid apron and at least pretend to be into this? PLEASE? I don’t want to have to leave the cavebabies, but I will. I swear to God, I will.