Guide to Skinny Jeans.

Skinny jeans are idiotic. So are big jeans, though. Also idiotic: low-rise jeans. And: high-waisted jeans. Plus: boot-cut. And: straight-leg. And also: tapered. Also pretty bad: pleated, creased, acid-washed, pre-stressed, torn, old, new, dark blue, light blue, non-blue, and perfect. All jeans are pretty dumb, except for that one pair of your Dad’s that you wore every day of 11^th grade. Right? Those were the best, and all others before and since are imitators. I just want to make sure we’re all on the same page as far as jeans go.

But: I can understand the need for skinny jeans. I can.

I developed a very simple and still unbreakable men’s fashion theory in my early 20’s giveashits. It states: the best way to look is like a male equivalent of the kind of girl you’d most want to have sex with.

Say what you will, but it is ironclad. You figure out who your targets are, and then you look like them and it encourages them to talk and/or be comfortable around you. So if you like super put-together ladies, you’ve got to wear nice suits. If you like sarcastic tomboys who like smoking weed, wear a lot of ironic/vintage stuff. If you want an art-damaged fashion maven who knows where all the best parties are, wear clothes that were prominent 15-18 years ago (I’m thinking this means jackets with an elastic waist cinch-due everywhere in 2014) and get some kind of extremely unemployable hairdo. If you want a tough girl who’s a total softie on the inside, get a neck tattoo. If you want one of those beerdrinking dependable semioutdoorsy women who never changes, wear a Michigan State sweatshirt, peacoat, corduroys, and chucks and call it a decade (also: you should have some kind of a retrieving dog).

And then when the girl equivalent of what you look like will be more apt to talk to you, whether you have your shit together enough to talk to her or not. That’s a whole different issue. But at least you can meet her halfway with your clothing signals. It makes your job easier.

Anyway: the rule is ironclad. Your clothes say who you want to have sex with.

And I think skinny jeans are stupid because I have no interest in having sex with 19 year old skate punks or self-important Vice Magazine art opening divas in garish costume jewelry. Maybe that’s harsh. I have some interest in having sex with those types. Let’s be honest. But not so much that I want to go overboard and look like them. I don’t have the time or the money for that. Actually: that’s why I don’t really want to have sex with them all that much. I don’t have the time or the money for that. And also: they’re usually boring. To me. I find them to be that way. Most times.

Anyhow, I’m not mad at you if you’re so into this one type of lady that you don’t mind prancing around like Count Peter Pan of Faggotton in your skinny jeans. We all do stupid shit to get laid sometimes. The fact that I consider skinny jeans to be “stupid shit” shouldn’t stop you from wearing them if you’re really looking to get busy over at the International Academy of Art and Design. It’s not your fault you’re not a grown up yet.

Skinny jeans are what made me realize I’ve become a grown up in the thingwearing category. I needed a pair of pants recently, and I went into American Apparel and tried on a pair of their tiny little jeans. Looking down at myself in the stretch-denim sausage casings they call pants, I said, “Nope. This is where I get off of this crazy rollercoaster. If this is looking good, I want to look bad. Get me out of this overpriced Pedophile’s Wetdream Store. I’d rather shop at the Docker’s Outlet. At least they’re honest about their aspirations over there. I’m no longer interested in paying this much money for in-joke clothes that make fun of the idea of wearing clothes.” And then I went to The Gap Outlet and bought some cheap jeans that I’m comfortable in even though they’re probably “so 2005.” 2005 was a decent enough year. I don’t mind being frozen there if it means having enough room between my legs and my pants to be able to wear underwear in July.

But that just indicates that my taste in women is changing. Now I’m more into the type of girl who looks nice but doesn’t give too much of a fuck about me noticing her. That’s why I got rid of all my dayglo sweaters and vintage tracksuit jackets, and why all my collared shirts have buttons on the collar now, and why I wear those collared shirts because I like them and not because I have to, and why I don’t buy sneakers anymore unless they’re a color that occurs in nature. I just don’t have the mustard for skinny jeans and high tops and t-shirts with some kind of word-design on them that I know are going to look stupid in two months when the new trend is something else. Sorry. It’s the clothing equivalent of sipping the expensive stuff instead of guzzling the cheap stuff.

But if that’s not you, by all means wear your skinny jeans. Something skinny-jeans like is coming for you, though. I just want to get you ready for it. In 2013 there will be a new thing that you’ll think is just too far to go, like, I don’t know, jackets with side zippers or something. And you’ll find yourself in some dressing room thinking about whether or not you’re actually going to spend $150 on this fucking thing, and you’ll look in the mirror and decide that, no, you are not going to buy this fucking thing. Not for $150 and probably not even for free. Nor will you buy anything else like it that ever comes along. Because it will no longer be worth it to you to send the “I’m not sure what I want, but this looks good” signal to potential mates. It’s part of being a grown up.

That’s what your Dad did, and that’s why you loved his jeans so much in the 11^th grade. They were a little oasis of don’tgiveafuck in a desert of 11^th grade needingitbad.